beach blues

this is the post i have been wanting to write since we got here. i have some time in between being done with making dinner and waiting for our guests to arrive. last time we came to this island, pam and mom made friends with our neighbor, wally. and his wife. can't remember her name. anyways, they live here all the time, are from nyc and have the most strong ny accents that i have ever encountered. they sound like cartoons of themselves. they'll be here in about an hour. i could go swimming, maybe i will after this.

it is really so hard to be here without jenna. to know that she is at home. that she doesn't get the break or the sun or the waves. or the walking in the sand, the spacing out. the breeze. the sound. the birds. not only does she not get any of this, but she doesn't get a break from what she is going through. doesn't get a break at all. just keeps getting pounded with the reality of being sick, of watching her body change and fight. being pumped with drugs that make her feel like she has no sense of her body and what is going on inside it.

i know that i have no idea even what this all feels like for her. i keep trying to be right there with her, but i know that i have no clue. it makes me feel so sad and distant from her, even when i am beside her. heartbreaking stuff. to have my best friend, the one who gets me, who i usually get, feel so far into an experience that i can't fathom. i am starting to even feel like i can't cheer her up... with the dumb stuff that we usually say. the stuff that usually works for making her smile and getting her out of her head and atleast distracted.

and selfishly, i miss jenna being the one to cheer me, to distract me from the heavy stuff in my head or the pain in my heart. i could use some of that magic right now. that would feel like vacation. in the meantime, i guess i'll go get pounded by some waves and hope that shakes it all outta me.