not about food. at all.

this might give you my drift... a great photo of the view in my favorite park. in walla. had an amazing trip in a town full of friends and fun and memories. started imagining myself back in that place. and just got carried away with that. came home and had a few days of realizing that i need to be here.

as hard as things are here right now, i am coming to see that it is such a special time to spend with jenna and the rest of my family. this is the time that makes what it means to be a family so special. the closeness and the support and the trust. i find myself enjoying a lot of this time lately, especially with jenna. knowing that i can make her laugh and that she can trust me and that we stimulate eachother and challenge eachother. a lot of this year has put a bit of a strain on our connection and the easy way that we have had with eachother. since i have returned from my trip, it is connection central. talking and laughing and daydreaming and lots of love.

i feel like i have been on a bit of a ride the past month or so, since discovering that jenna had relapsed. since starting to doubt my abilities to hang here, to be such a witness to all the pain and the scary parts. scary because she is my bestie, my sister: so many things that i can't imagine... then trying out the possibility of moving back across the country to a place where i remember being able to choose what i participated in with my family. coming back and quitting my job and realizing that i have the time and energy to be a really great friend and caregiver to the girl, and support staff for the parentals. also, there are finally great friends here now too, people who are right there, ready to hear all about it and to just be with me. a ride and a half.

i have been visualizing lots lately. for my own sanity and i also do some with jenna outloud. for a few days i have been giggling at the visual of watching myself on a rollercoaster like the RACER, just watching myself go up and down the hills and around the turns, moving at a great speed, with all the jerky, awkward movements that slam you around on that ride. it is kinda in a fun way, since that is such a rush, how can you not smile, knowing that it will be over and the feeling in your stomache will be still when you get back on the ground.

i guess in the meantime, i am going to try to send all the love out and try to get some in and just be a little more still and listen to what will bring me that grounding. here with this FAMILY.

and i have turkey stock from thanksgiving. something is going to happen on that stove tomorrow.