not about food. at all.

this might give you my drift... a great photo of the view in my favorite park. in walla. had an amazing trip in a town full of friends and fun and memories. started imagining myself back in that place. and just got carried away with that. came home and had a few days of realizing that i need to be here.

as hard as things are here right now, i am coming to see that it is such a special time to spend with jenna and the rest of my family. this is the time that makes what it means to be a family so special. the closeness and the support and the trust. i find myself enjoying a lot of this time lately, especially with jenna. knowing that i can make her laugh and that she can trust me and that we stimulate eachother and challenge eachother. a lot of this year has put a bit of a strain on our connection and the easy way that we have had with eachother. since i have returned from my trip, it is connection central. talking and laughing and daydreaming and lots of love.

i feel like i have been on a bit of a ride the past month or so, since discovering that jenna had relapsed. since starting to doubt my abilities to hang here, to be such a witness to all the pain and the scary parts. scary because she is my bestie, my sister: so many things that i can't imagine... then trying out the possibility of moving back across the country to a place where i remember being able to choose what i participated in with my family. coming back and quitting my job and realizing that i have the time and energy to be a really great friend and caregiver to the girl, and support staff for the parentals. also, there are finally great friends here now too, people who are right there, ready to hear all about it and to just be with me. a ride and a half.

i have been visualizing lots lately. for my own sanity and i also do some with jenna outloud. for a few days i have been giggling at the visual of watching myself on a rollercoaster like the RACER, just watching myself go up and down the hills and around the turns, moving at a great speed, with all the jerky, awkward movements that slam you around on that ride. it is kinda in a fun way, since that is such a rush, how can you not smile, knowing that it will be over and the feeling in your stomache will be still when you get back on the ground.

i guess in the meantime, i am going to try to send all the love out and try to get some in and just be a little more still and listen to what will bring me that grounding. here with this FAMILY.

and i have turkey stock from thanksgiving. something is going to happen on that stove tomorrow.

in a jiffy!

i have a fondness for all things JIFFY. growing up, dad would make dinner with us every night. us girls usually got some kitchen practice with the JIFFY. measuring the eggs, milk, oil- whatever goes in those mixes. we were cracking up the other night about how we would eat the sweet ones with savory dinner- blueberry, apple cinnamon, etc. with pop's interpretations of chop suey, lazy chicken, etc.

the last night in walla we went out to the farm for a big fire, some hot chili and cornbread. i cooked bacon in the cast iron skillet. chopped jalapenos, red onions, bell peppers. chopped bacon into bits and stirred all that goodness into the JIFFY cornbread batter. got rid of some of that bacon fat in the skillet and baked the mess right in there. good.

a soup

this is a good one from the walla trip. started like a french onion soup-ish. lots of onions, leeks, garlic, shallots. in butter. deglazed with some red wine. added beef stock. cooked carrots, sweet potatoes, mushrooms and chard. so hot and hearty and ate with a big chunk of wheat bread and some goat cheese. don't you love that spoon?

walla walla, part 2

i have some pictures from parts of this week, i promise. things are looking pretty boring on this page!

had an invigorating bike ride to the roastery EVERY morning of the trip, besides the sundays when they are closed. sooo good. and i got to make some of my own americanos! nice to get behind that pretty machine! took my book with me everyday, thinking i'd sit quietly and read. but this being a great hub of activity, it turned into a wonderful social hour, or two. on to the rest of the week:

monday enjoyed soup at home. made THE MOST PERFECT GRILLED CHEESE EVER. because that is what i do. for dipping, tomato basil soup.

tuesday was katherine's birthday. great excuse for dinner at saffron. we had kobe beef cheeks, patatas bravas, and pulpo a la fiera: grilled octopus dredged in pimento/paprika/warm red heat powder. for dinner i shared "pillows of heaven in a forest full of elk" or the best, lightest then dense-without-being-heavy, melt in your mouth gnocchi with chestnuts, mushrooms, green olives and elk ragu. and shared flatbread with bacon and some other stuff on it. i think cheddar cheese, washington apples. sensory overload after the gnocchi. ben gave me a few bites of lamb. the details are fuzzy.

wednesday. hmm. i am trying to remember what i ate on wednesday and i just can't.

thursday back to brasserie 4 for a dinner date. ate pretty minimally, as this night i just wanted to talk with two of my most favorite people. enjoyed frenchy fries, a pureed brussel sprout soup and the conversation.

friday i got caught in the rain on my way to lunch at sweet basil. on the bike. in the cold. never quite recovered, so headed to pho sho for dinner. the house special with meatballs, thin slices of beef, steamy broth, noodles and lots of sriracha had me feeling warm and toasty. this is my favorite place to eat alone with a book. and i got some reading time in.

saturday and sunday we did some home cookin'. as you can imagine, i started itching for some cooking time... so more about the rest of the week later!

walla walla! part 1

been eating real good out here, don't you worry about a thing.

felt super adventurous to leave the seattle airport during my layover. rode the bus to the market and walked around. got coffee and an amazing cookie. people watching and rain. then back and onto a small plane with charles smith (food and wine winemaker of the year!), kyle mclachlan (twin peaks!) and a bunch of tourists. picked a good weekend.

arrived friday night and was eating bun at pho sho about an hour later. a cold vietnamese salad with lots of fresh greens, sprouts, basil and cilantro. fried tofu and a peanut sauce.

saturday morning rode my favorite bike out to the walla walla roastery. had a perfect cappucino. their coffee has always given me the most powerful sensation: a tingle, almost poprocks sort of physicality to the taste. and then a rushing current that i can feel in my body. electric espresso!

that evening, we ate at brasserie four, which opened right before i left. it was great then and now seems more mature and comfortable in its own skin. chicken pate with apples, figs, honey and pickled onions. apparently i was moaning. for dinner, duck confit pizza. really great crust, fried egg on top, etc. more moaning!

sunday morning i went back to b4 for an americano. they use stumptown and it was amazing. a perfect bar for waking up and reading the paper. later, since the tourists were gone, we felt free to head out to waitsburg to whoop em up hollow cafe and jimgermanbar. this whole experience was so highly anticipated, that i really couldn't help but think that i was blowing it out of proportion. with the early sunset, it was already dark for the ride. really great moon and blazing stars. i miss you stars!

at the whoop: fried catfish. a big pile of greens, beans and rice. just like the first time i ever ate there. then to jgb and had jim make me something. i couldn't decide, it was overwhelming to walk into a space that i have spent so much time thinking about. soon i had a cocktail. barolo chinato. a perfect choice, knowing that i love those digestif flavors. haunting and refreshing, leaving memories. and i am pretty sure it is only tuesday?

north carolina

hey y'all. not much cooking going on lately, which is fine- because in north carolina last weekend, i got to eat out, the whole time! highlights:

*izzy's for coffee.. they use counter culture beans, which i knew to be good after seriously tasting their stuff at the SCAA (coffee nerd convention) in atlanta this spring. hit their downtown asheville location twice in one day, then the one in west asheville (on a different day). both exactly the right size and feel. big fan.

*had breakfast with the band at early girl cafe. this brunch cast a spell on me. i can't stop thinking of biscuits. had a perfectly simple egg biscuit with fruit. it is nice when it is exactly right and there is no fuss.

*had porter on tap at a bar with sausages and pretzels. cincinnati, they had porter on tap at every bar we went to. get hip or you might lose me.

*an amazing breakfast in the car, picked up in durham at this bakery/restaurant with an impossible name. i have no idea how to say it, but i guess you just sound it out? guglhumf? i got a mini quiche with roasted vegetables and an almond croissant. total breakfast of champions. the bread looked so incredible. maybe next time. (ps- kit, if you read this, i thought of you the whole time i was in your neck of the woods... but it was short and sweet!)

*dinner at tupelo honey, back in asheville. i knew it would be great. enjoyed a glass of wine for a more tame evening- a chilean carmenere for rinsing down goat cheese grits, fried okra, pinto beans and a fresh salsa all in one bowl. and more BISCUITS! with a blueberry jam.

*and after that, i needed something sweet and totally overordered at the french broad chocolate shop. a local cheese plate, some truffles (you know, strawberry balsamic, indian kufi, mole negro, etc) and a press of tea. saved most for snacks the next day...

*lunched after a tour of the biltmore at the mellow mushroom. great pizza and a smoked porter before hitting the road.

sloppy potatoes

the idea was to do a scalloped-potato-casserole-ish. i went overboard on the cheese and cream. of course i did. so there was plenty of cheese sauce for bread dipping. which was really nice.

sliced the potatoes thin and layered in a casserole with red onion, a blend of some shredded hard cheeses, salt and pepper. made about 6 layers and then poured cream over top. maybe don't pour as much as i did. baked for a while, covered. then baked for a while, uncovered.

did i mention that jenner is headed back into the slammer? this was a homecooked meal for her to eat at home before she heads back in for a while. the cancer is back and she is going to go through an experimental chemo for the next few months, billed as similar to that first month. then on for a bone marrow transplant. it is hard to switch gears, finding all this out when we thought she has been in remission, heading to the finishline. boo. so we also had steaks on the grill.

as long as i am cooking for all these people who i care about, i feel ok. it is hard to know what to do to help and i guess it feels helpful to know that i can make things feel better, taste better. it is really the worst because most of the time, i can only do this part and the rest just feels so big and complicated and hard and scary. and that is from my vantage point! i try to imagine where jenna is, what i can do for her- i definitely have some condition where i am focusing on the small tasks so that i can have a break from all the big stuff weighing on my heart. shopping and chopping and cooking and cleaning. i can't wait for the day when we wake up and its sunny and warm and our hearts are light and we just laugh and laugh. and we'll just eat cotton candy and funnel cakes.