about billy/more about me

billy wants me to write about him. there are a couple things that are cool about billy. he has cool shoes. he makes good coffee. he has pet rabbits. and he is a student of english literature. this is the most fascinating to me.

i have been on the fence, but a tiny bit proactive about returning to college. i have not really given college a fair shot since the get go, ten years ago. well, i take that back, i did give it a good shot in the beginning. i went far away. i lived in the dorms. i took classes that sounded interesting. but then i got distracted. or i got irritated at the idea of studying stuff that all had to add up to a certain number of credits in this subject or that and the expense and the time and the part about me not really knowing what i wanted it all to add up to. but i do really like learning, and i do really want to learn about english literature.

i am constantly reading. most people know that i am very into the transportive experience of reading a book, as a daydreamer and thinker, books give me lots to live on. i was always encouraged to read growing up. my parents are both very smart people, but this is not the kind of household with a library. i have created my own library, collecting and reading books that i have found and enjoy, stuff that i know has been important to literature, to other writers, books that friends have recommended, the reading lists that jenna had in school. this has been my mental exercise. and i really really love it.

i am thinking of going back to college and i want to try an approach that has worked for me in the past. i was interested in food, i did food for a hobby, i did food for a job. i got my culinary degree and it was no sweat, cause i liked learning more, it was interesting, it felt useful for life. i think that the same applies to learning more about books, thinking about books- i am already doing it, it is fun for me, it is interesting. reading will always be a part of my life. maybe taking away the pressure of getting a degree for some job. putting pressure on learning for the fun of it. and seeing where that takes me...

the hold up here is that i have shaken baby syndrome about analyzing and talking and writing about things that i have read. i can trace it all back to a teacher that i had in high school. it was english AP (we got college credit from a test) and i was a senior. i was in the class with a few of my good friends and also a few of the people that i was most intimidated by in school. the teacher was thought to be amazing, she got almost all her kids to pass this big test at the end of the class. her classes were full of discussion. she had been teaching for years. this woman was a monster. she absolutely scared the shit out of me. in my mind, she is the huge witch mermaid who steals ariel's voice. sitting there large and intimidating and angry (with electric eels, etc). she trained all of us to write for this test. reading books for the year and writing papers in this format where we stated our point in the first paragraph, supported it in the next three, then concluded. probably pretty standard. for some reason, being forced to write in this way took all of the fun out of it for me. we read so many great books in that class. i enjoyed so much of that part. so many books that had amazing ideas, word choice, themes, it was really incredible. it was just so blah to have to stuff any ideas about the things that made those books special into this tight two page, five paragraph mold. and i think that it took my voice away. in hindsight, i have since avoided everything that would involve me writing about anything.

it is interesting to me the timing of this business that i am doing on here. i am loving the WRITING, i am loving the thinking about the writing. i want to write even more than i have been. i want to write about everything. college orientation is in a few weeks. it seems that there is some voice coming out here. i trust what i am saying is real, authentic, from me. i can't help but wonder if i will be able to keep it real. the writing, the enjoyment and inspiration of the reading. i have read so many books that have moved me. moved me into a different mental state, changing my sense of creativity, fantasy and whimsy. moved my sense of self, my understanding of written communication. is this a good idea? do they want you to keep it real in college? does it matter if i do it for fun? is there such a thing? sorry if i drill you with questions billy.

p.s. -consider that i have already done tons of entry level coursework (except composition, no joke). i have random credits piled up all over the place! i can presumably fast track to the fun part!